Episode 110: How To Live A Smarter, Stronger & Happier Life After Divorce with Deb Purdy

Acquania Escarne 0:00

Hey guys, welcome back to the Purpose of Money Podcast. I'm super excited today to be joined with Deb party. And in this episode, we're gonna talk about how to live a stronger, smarter and happier life after divorce. You are listening to the Purpose of Money podcast, a podcast where we talk about ways to build wealth, and create more freedom in your life. Today. I am your host, Acquania Escarne.

Acquania Escarne 0:27

Deb party is the author of Something Gained seven shifts to be stronger, smarter and happier after divorce. Through her books, coaching and courses, Deb reframes divorce from a relationship failure to an important opportunity to know yourself better heal your wounds and improve your life. Deb helps her clients tap their power to reinvent divorce and use it as a catalyst for more love, compassion and personal power. Deb how're you doing today? Welcome to the show.

Deb Purdy 0:59

I am doing great. Thank you so much for having me.

Acquania Escarne 1:03

I'm super excited to have this conversation because the Purpose of Money is a podcast where we empower women and female entrepreneurs. But we also talk about life and how to navigate that with purpose. And when it comes to your finances, how to get through and the reality is divorce happens. So let's talk about your story and how you help your clients. But before we dive into that, I like to just kind of get to know a little bit more about you. And I'm curious to know since this is a money podcast show, what was money like for you growing up?

Deb Purdy 1:41

Such a great question. I had teenage parents. So my parents were only 16 and 21 I was born. And, so I money for my family was a struggle. And they had four kids kind of back to back. And I was the first and I'm my grandfather, my dad's dad was kind of the Savior of our family, he had money, he was very frugal he had saved all his life. And whenever we had some sort of like need or I needed a new coat for school or something, my parents kind of had to go, you know, to my grandfather and get the money. My grandma made all my clothes and stuff like that. So I was kind of raised in a scarcity with and I think it's not trivial that then this kind of person in authority was kind of the Savior figure, you know, and my own sweet dad was always trying stuff like he was he was pretty entrepreneurial. And he was always trying things and they never quite worked out, you know, and so he's always having to borrow money for my grandpa and stuff like that. So I kind of have a complicated relationship with money. Um, something that I I've been working on really all my life and still do. And that's why I love your work so much because it's shed so much light on on people's relationship with money and how to make it work for them. But it's, it's something that I you know, I still even today are cognizant of, that I want to make friends with money that I want to stop thinking about it as scarce. You know.

Acquania Escarne 3:25

I love that. Yeah, scarcity mindset is real. And so many people don't realize it can come from your childhood and how your family may have handled money. And I can totally see how you could think that way from time to time because it was scarce in your household. Being raised by young parents who are probably figuring it out and trying to combine finances is definitely something that would have resonated with me as well, thank you so much for sharing that, because that is probably one of the most unique backgrounds that I've had on the show so far. So I love that. And I love how you like your like, look, they were young, and they were figuring it out. And you know, it is hard when you have one parent who probably had all the passion in a world to be a successful entrepreneur, but you know, it just didn't work out. And we have stories like that, where you keep trying and keep trying and grandparents save the day. So I love, that someone was saying

Deb Purdy 4:26

You know, an interesting kind of tie in is that when I was around 11 or 12 My dad finally his one of his businesses kind of got some traction, and he was starting to make some money. And we were going to like get a new house and all this like great stuff. And in that moment, their marriage fell apart. And so this kind of in a way I think informs you know, my choice and what I'm what I'm doing with my life, because then everything he just like lost his heart and he lost his business. He just was so brokenhearted and I'm not blaming my mom or my dad, it's just, you know, they just weren't well matched. And there's all kinds of factors and stuff. But, you know, so that divorce at that age really, really impacted me in terms of how I felt about marriage and divorce and how I handled my subsequent marriage and divorce.

Acquania Escarne 5:21

Wow. Okay, let's talk about that. What inspired you to take up this honorable position of helping individuals transition from married lie to divorce and becoming their healthiest, strongest self? Was it your own divorce? Or was it your parents divorce? How did how do you get to where you are? That is such a good question. Um,

Deb Purdy 5:45

I had this belief because my parents got married as teenagers and my, my grandparents, I came from kind of a long line of women, they got married as teens. And, and while my grandparents and my great grandparents didn't divorce they had, they weren't happy, you know, they were not happy marriages. And in my mind, I interpreted that, as you know, if you get married too young, you're not, you know, I just thought that so I thought, You know what, I'm going to divorce proof myself, I'm going to wait till I'm in my 30s to get married. I'm gonna, like know, myself be established. You know. And so I purposely did that I purposely, I got married when I was 34. That was part of the master plan to divorce prove myself. And when I met my ex, we had this amazing chemistry. You know, we were both in this kind of insane place in our life. This is perfect. This is great. It's going to work, it's going to be great. And it was until it wasn't.

Deb Purdy 6:48

And I was crushed. Because when you when you go into marriage, you do not expect it to go up in flames. You you think you hear the divorce stats, you think, oh, no, that's not going to be me. Mine is going to be one of those ones that makes it so when when it crashes and burns, you know, there's a lot of guilt and shame around that there's a lot of cultural guilt and shame that is even in addition to the pain and the hurt that you feel, and that is no Yeah, so So I, I got divorced, right? At a time when I started a master's degree in spiritual psychology. And I learned a lot about my patterns and what how I showed up in the marriage and what I my part in the dynamic. And at first, at the beginning of my divorce, I was very much in the victim status, and I even have a money story I'll tell you later about to tighten. But But I realized that no, I, I had patterns, I had things that I brought that that contributed to the dissolution and the dysfunction of the marriage. And as soon as I was able to recognize those, to own them, I could decide, hey, I don't I don't want to show up that way. Again, in another relationship, I all the little things that I did to try to make my self divorce proof didn't matter. I was bringing all these childhood patterns in with me, that I that were running under the surface or unconscious things running under the surface that informed how I showed up. So I really learned and went to school on that. So I was able to go from kind of the dueling attorneys sitting across the table getting ready to annihilate, annihilate each other situation, to completely turning it around and creating a very loving and collaborative co-parenting relationship with him. I my kids were little than and, and through today when he will always be part of my family. You know, I am grateful for what I learned being married to him. I I am not I'm don't wish I was still married to him. I'm you know, that wasn't a thing. But you know, what we learned together, We both needed, you know, to go on and do the things that we were meant to do.

Acquania Escarne 9:06

Man, that's such a good story. Because I know, I don't think it's ever intentional. But I know some people they have a very bitter, painful, hurtful divorce. And navigating the two attorneys is just the beginning. Right, then it's visitation of the children and using children as a weapon against the other sometimes it's just so unfortunate and the kids suffer. Right? So I love how you had an aha moment. And you had to recognize the role you played in what was happening, but then use that to learn from each other. Yeah. And I genuinely believe that when you have children together, even when you don't, because I have seen divorces where the individuals don't have children together but they are still friends. And they're still very present in each other's life. They just not together. So I love that, you and your ex husband, were able to find a way to figure that out to write like, hey, we have children together, we need to make this work. But we're not meant for each other. So how did you turn that into a platform where you help other people? What was the motivation to do that? Because that takes a lot of courage and vulnerability, because I'm sure you had to start with telling your own story

Deb Purdy 10:26

I did. Thank you for asking that. Yeah, the process I went through was so powerful. And what I realized, you know, is that there, there's this cultural pressure, you know, there's this cultural I call it the big lie that divorce is bad, and marriage is good. It's just that binary. And we all know, it's not that simple. And we get married for so many reasons. And but we just still, so when people get divorced, they, along with all of the feelings that they have, they're feeling the cultural thing. And I really think that's what feels a lot of the blame and shame and you know, the bitterness that comes through with people, because they, you know, they're they're even, you know, their supporters, the people around them are kind of feeding that too. It's not just them. So that's why I think changing the conversation about divorce is really important. But I had this realization that divorce isn't good or bad, it just is. And it was happening. And I had a choice about how I wanted to look at it, how and when to use it. So I could continue to be miserable, which I didn't like, and I wasn't enjoying at all. Or I could say, You know what, this is painful. It hurts. But I'm going to use this as do over to create my life the way I want it. And this is a catalyst, this is an invitation to me to look at, put everything on the table and choose what I want to go forward with. And so I had been a coach for years, just a life coach without a niche like this. And of course, with my coaching mind, I started thinking about, you know, once I was able to do that, like, what are the steps I went through? How did I do this. And I was just really inspired to write that book so that I could just share it with people. And I had started to use some of the techniques with people I was working with one on one. And you know, getting feedback and being able to make adjustments and things. And I just, I just really felt called to put that out there. Because I feel like there's so much negative negativity around divorce. And I just really wanted to have a different message out there, like this can be a do over this can be a catalyst for something much better for you. That if you let it if you choose that for yourself.

Acquania Escarne 11:18

I love that. So yeah, let's take a time to talk about your book "Seven shifts to be stronger, smarter and happier after divorce". How long did it take you to write the book?

Deb Purdy 12:48

Um, it took about 14 months. So I was working, you know, I actually had at that time, I was working as a coach, but I was also working as a freelance writer. And I had my kids, you know, so I was writing on Saturdays. And so I would just get up really early on Saturday, and, you know, try to put four or five hours in before noon, or you know, by early afternoon, and I just I was so it's just one of those things that got a hold of me, and I couldn't not write it. I just really felt like I wanted to get this out of me and out into the world. So I just chipped away at it every weekend.

Acquania Escarne 13:37

Good and then got it out there. And now it's a tool. Have you ever coach some of your clients into navigating the next marriage? Is that something that comes up from time to time depending on the path that your clients take? And if so, like, how, how do you recommend someone approach life if they do want to be married? Again?

Deb Purdy 14:03

That is such a great question. And yes, and, and what I really recommend and in the clients that I work with is before you jump into the next thing, because a lot of times for people that compulsion is you know, after the messiest part is over to start dating again and get out there and stuff. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If that person has taken the time to process what there is and get the information there is for themselves. So, like me, you know, looking at what your patterns were in your divorce, and in your marriage, your marriage is like a laboratory. It's like a real life laboratory, and all the fights that you had, and all the conflicts and stuff. That's all like your invaluable research on what triggers you and why and what you're bringing with you. Because if you don't do that work and kind of go back, it's likely that you might take those patterns into another relationship. And you might even be attracted to someone else that has similar traits to your ex, unknowingly. Because you're still working those things out. And I'd love to give you an example that ties back to money from my own thing. And that is how I had, from my childhood, a lifelong pattern of being an over pleaser. So it's kind of peace at any price. My ex is really nice guy, but he's had real dominant personality. And I would just say yes, even to things I didn't want to do, in terms of money. And so he was like, you know, super risk taker more than me, which is fine. I mean, that it's not wrong. It's just, I wasn't like that I was, you know, chipping away at my savings, I, for many years, had a corporate job with a 401k, and all that, and I just saved and saved and saved. And right in, during the, at the end of our marriage was a time when people were like buying and flipping houses. And if you weren't doing that, it felt like you're out of the loop of this tsunami of money that everyone was making. It was like, kind of right at the beginning of that. And he was in his way that he was was finding all these deals to do and stuff. And

Deb Purdy 16:22

He was bringing them home, and he found this one great deal. It was like a sure thing, and this and that. And we're gonna make all this money. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that sounds great. It sounds great. And he said, all we have to do is put all our equity from our house and all of our savings into it. And I was so in the grip of being an over pleaser, I that made me want to throw up, you know, like, everything in my body scream, no, do not do that. This is bad. But I, you know, I did it. You know, I signed the paper shaking my. And guess what, in six months, that money was gone? Like, it didn't work like, you know. I? And yeah, that was like,

Acquania Escarne 17:06

What do you do? And you're like, Oh, my God, I knew better. But I didn't say na.

Deb Purdy 17:10

I knew better by density. No. So, you know, for a while. I mean, that was the huge, like, our marriage didn't last very long past that. All the other problems, you know, that and all the other problems really surfaced. And it didn't last month last but a lot of people around me like, Oh, what a jerk who blew the pressure. Do you know? And for a little while, I'm like, yeah. But I realized when I applied these rules to my own self, I could have said, No, I could have said, I'm not doing that. You know, you can take your half and do whatever you want. But I'm not doing it. And I didn't I abandoned myself then. And then it started this cascade of realising how many times I had abandoned myself in the past by saying yes, not in a way that I was going into self judgment and beating myself up. But just like an aha moment, like, oh, my gosh, I really need to, I need to get my arms around this pattern and stop this. And if I wouldn't have owned that and realize it, and then set my intention to work on it, I just would have taken that into, you know, into my next relationship. And I

Acquania Escarne 17:10

That's so good. Yeah. And that's not that's not going to help you in the long run. Because like you said, you might attract the same person, you might continue to do the same things and end up in a different situation, but similar outcome where nobody wins. Right?

Deb Purdy 18:43

That's exactly right. So to kind of tie back to your question, I think it's so important that people do that. Some of that work, you know, you don't have yourself completely figured out, but just what were your patterns? What How did you show up? And did it work for you? And what do you want to make sure you kind of clean up before you go into a new relationship. So I work with people doing that, and then deciding, you know, who do I you know, when I think and help people get into new relationships, there's a couple of questions we asked, you know, what do you want? You know, do you want the same thing you had before? Do you want a marriage, you want that, you know, there's a million different varieties of what you can you could do with a relationship. Who do you want? And and so what, you know, what are the qualities? What are your non negotiables and all that, and who do you want to be? And really looking in, you know, how you want to show up in relationship and what's important to you and, and all that.

Acquania Escarne 19:39

So, I really liked those questions. So what do you want? Who do you want? What are your non negotiables? And who do you want to be? That is so good. Who do you want to be because, like, like we said in the intro, your book helps people reinvent themselves after divorce or figure out who they want to be. Divorce and I do feel like life we change you know who I wasn't 18 is not who I am at 39. And there's just a lot of things that I see differently. I'd love to get your take, though on advice for someone who's currently going through a divorce. If there's anyone listening right now, who is transitioning, or you see the writing on the wall in your relationship is not going the way you intended, and you may be pursuing divorce soon, what advice do you have, what are three things you recommend they do? To get through this tough time,

Deb Purdy 20:36

One of the first things I would tell people that are just in the beginning of the process, is gather your support group, you know, gather the people around you, your friends, your family, a therapist, a coach, or both, you know, support actual support groups of people that are in the same situation as you, like, surround yourself with a Christian of love of, you know, because you need that, and this is not a time to like tough it out. This is the time to ask for help. This is a time to take care of yourself. So that's, that's one of the first things I would do tell people to do is make sure and a good you know, you've had an item so sorry, I don't remember her name. We had that wonderful attorney on talking about divorce. She was terrific. Kimberly could find someone like that a loving person who's going to help you like get the highest and best not, you know, someone that's going to that's has kind of the the attitude about divorce is more culturally accepted and and older. You don't want an attorney who's a who's a really compassionate loving person like she is.

Acquania Escarne 21:43

Absolutely, I'll make sure to link the draft link to the episode with Kimberly cook in the show notes. So you guys can listen to that as well. Yeah, she is the creator of grown girl divorce.

Deb Purdy 21:57

Yes, yes, I think it's so important that the attorney that you work with is someone that shares your values in terms of what you want to create next. Because there are a lot of attorneys out there, they're going to just, you know, the attorney I had at first was just very classic old school guy, like, here's this jerk, I take care of thing, blah, blah, you know, and that those were my values. I'm like, you know, what, you know, and making sure you you think of the long, you know, not just the short term goals, but the long term goals. And I do end up working with a lot of women, mostly some men, but mostly women, after long term marriages, it seems like, you know that that's more of my the group that gets drawn to me after 20, 30 and 40 years. And so they're shell shocked even in a different way, you know, that someone in a an earlier in their, in their life? And so.

Acquania Escarne 22:49

Yeah, I would totally agree, I think there's a term for that Gray Divorce is something that they're calling it now, when you you're getting married in your more senior years, and you've probably been with that person for decades. Does your device does your advice change at all, though? I mean, if I've been married five years or been married 25 years, do you think there's anything different that I should be doing?

Deb Purdy 23:15

You know, it doesn't change, it's, it's, it's a lot of the same things, it's just that there's different considerations and challenges for older people that are getting divorced. And so it's, it's, we're talking about different things, like people after like, you know, in their 60s getting divorced 50-60s. And later, they thought this is they have, they're close to like retirement or whatever they're going to do, and they had this plan. And they're angry, in a whole in a whole different level, because they're like, this wasn't what was supposed to happen in this time of my life. So we spent a lot of time talking about that, and what that looks like and reinventing yourself at 60. And 65. You know what that looks like. So it's not a different, but it is some additional components, let's say. But one of the one of the most important things I say to anyone, no matter, you know where they are in their stage of life, is one of the most important things you can do is decide that you're going to use your divorce as a catalyst for what's next. And commit to yourself that you're going to invest in yourself to do what it takes to recover. And you know, and that means doing all these things that we've been talking about. But some people I've been kind of carried on in the current of it, and and feel powerless and forget they have a lot of power in these decisions. So if I decide I'm going to do whatever it takes to recover, that means I'm an investor, I'm an invest differently. I'm going to talk to people differently. I'm going to change the conversations I have with them. My friends and family instead of saying, This is so terrible, you know, my life is over, I'm going to say, I feel terrible. And sometimes I feel like my life is over. But I don't want to live here. I want to reinvent myself. So I'm going to ask you to support me in that, you know, things like that.

Acquania Escarne 25:17

I, I really liked the way you phrase that. And it kind of led me to one of the questions at the top of my mind now which is, how much do you share, especially, maybe in a situation where you've been married a long time your families are intertwined, you have kids involved? Because I don't know about you. But I have family members who are super passionate, and they're like cheerleaders for Acquania, all day, every day. And if I shared too much, they might develop a negative behavior or feelings towards the other person. Right? So what's your advice on that vulnerability, that transparency? You know, even though you're not supposed to suffer in silence? How much of what's happening? Should you protect, so that it doesn't impact other family relationships? Does that question,

Deb Purdy 26:12

Acquania! That's a brilliant question. I'm glad you asked. It's such a new one. So hardly anybody ever asked me. But you're exactly right. You, you want to have you know, the layers of the onion and you you're sharing everything with like, say, a therapist, or coach, it's just like, your but with the outer layers. Like, you know, we all have that best friend that we know. Or someone you know, that is a safe person to be like, really real with that other people like family and I had a similar thing where everyone always really liked my ex until I got divorced. And I was oversharing with my mom, and like, you know, some different people. And, to this day, even though my mom's still can't stand him, it's like, Mom, you know? So that's such a point well taken and well addressed is that with people like that, that, you know, like you said, their team Acquania all the way and they just ignore you. They're gonna just like the really like a mother bear about, you're just to them going to say, I am. I am using this experience to reinvent myself, I'm I have healing to do, I'm going to invest in that. And so I don't want to talk about, you know, my focus is not on my ex and what he did and what I did, I want to focus forward. So I want I would love your support in that, you know, so that you just kind of set the ground rules, and you don't go too deep on those kinds of things. Except for the very, very safe people that might need someone in your life. It may you may not, it might be just your therapist, that's okay. Either way. Yeah. But you know, you need someone and usually a therapist is great for that.

Acquania Escarne 28:02

I love that. And I also liked the fact that you're stressing the importance of mental health, and seeking therapy if you need it. I think anytime you have a major change in your life, a therapist can be useful anytime you just need to get through life, a therapist can be useful, and having them on your team is amazing and helpful. So yeah, no, this has been a really good conversation just to navigate what could happen and how to react. Of course, you know, as a fan of the show, the show is called the Purpose of Money and I asked all my guests this signature question, what is your purpose for money?

Deb Purdy 28:43

Wow. I love that question. I do love that question. My purpose for money is an energy that I can use to be a light in the world. So I it gives me freedom and joy but I also want to use it to empower me to share my message and get to know people and you know, it's I this is all part of kind of an evolving relationship with money, a quantity of the layout. But it just the energy of freedom and of sharing and of joy.

Acquania Escarne 29:26

I love that of joy. That's one two so wonderful. So guys, in this episode, we really talked about inventing reinventing yourself and defining your life your new happiness and joy after divorce with Deb today, and I think this was an eye opener because although we've had another episode on divorce with Attorney Kimberly Cook, we really didn't get into how to handle it emotionally or how to protect your mental health by having the right team, a coach, a therapist and the right family around. And I think that this just brought another perspective on how to navigate the next phase of your life, whether it's been a five year marriage that's ending or a 25 year marriage that's ending. So Deb, I want to thank you so much for being on the show today. Before we go, I would love for you to tell listeners, where can they find you on social What's your website so they can connect if they want to work with you.

Deb Purdy 30:27

Thank you so much. Well, I do have a website it's Debpurdy.com. And on I'm on Instagram at love at love Deb Purdy. So those are my my main and I do actually have a Facebook group called thriving after divorce.

Acquania Escarne 30:44

I love that thriving after divorce. I'm here for it. I'll make sure to include all of your links in the show notes so people can connect, follow and reach out if they want to work with you. Guys. If you enjoy this episode, I want you to please share it with someone else who also needs to know. I also would love for you to leave a five star review wherever you're listening, because reviews are how other people find the show. Until next time, keep building generational wealth.

Acquania Escarne 31:20

Thank you for listening to the Purpose of Money podcast. For more resources and information, check out my website, thepurposeofmoney.com and while you're there, please sign up for our newsletter. So you'll have all the latest information on new episodes and blog posts. And so next time keep building generational wealth.

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